Darth Rick
by HookahSocialism
Summary: Rick makes a lightsaber to cut the thanksgiving turkey and espouses some Ayn Rand sith bullshit.


Morty opens the door to the garage seeing Rick tightening the screws on a gridlocked rod that looks like some sort of device.

"Hey Morty check it out..."

Rick flicks it and the device extends a beam of plasma that makes lightsaber noises.

"Oh geez Rick what is that?"

Rick points it at Morty's neck.

"The fuck you think it is you monkey turd?! Its a (belch...) lightsaber! I figured since your stupid mother wants me to partake in thanksgiving ill cut the turkey with this bad boy!"

"Geez Rick you know... you could just cut the turkey with a normal knife. Nobody told you you had to go and make a lightsaber."

"Nobody tells Rick Sanchez anything Morty... especially now because I got a motherfucking lightsaber!!!"

"You know Rick if you can sit here making...making lightsabers and stuff. Why don't you I don't know...make a cure for cancer? End world hunger?"

"Yea Morty let me get right on that. Let me get right on ending all of the worlds problems just so they can be even bigger ingrates than you and ban me from reddit some more. Yeah Morty you're going to love a double downed over population with huge life expectancy. Not having any choice in employment or affairs... still living in a capitalist industrial society where you're still expected to work and not murder people. You can find comfort in that now you'll live to see 200 instead of I dont know...70. 200 years of being alone and shit on. Because Rick Sanchez pussied out and ended all famine and disease. You're so stupid Morty!"

"You know Rick...not everything has to be one big cynicsm monologue! You you're not as smart as you think you are! Theres alot of good people and good things in the world Rick! And your...your ambivalence or even outright contrarian attitude doesn't solve anything!"

"Than go Morty... you know how half my inventions work. Go out and give all the free shit to little bastards even more worthless and evil than you. You know Morty (belch!) I was young once... Was a stupid kid who thought I could save the world. But you know what no kid wants to think about? That nobody wants to be saved. That people like their mediocre lives of being told what to do by someone stronger than them. They're not just naive simpletons Morty. They're downright malevolent. Human beings are insipid little worms who loathe the happiness and well being of their own kind. Because deep down they hate themselves and project all their own insecurities onto others. Thats why (belch) moderators ban everyone calling them trolls and bullies because THEY are attention craven trolls and bullies. Thats why preppy girls like Jessica call you a weirdo and a creep with no life because THEY are weirdos and creeps with no life... you are beyond polluted Morty. The best thing that could happen for all life on this planet and everywhere is for all of you to shut the fuck up and die. The worms will still crawl in the dirt, the birds will still chirp in the morning, itll just be a whole lot less noisy and a lot less painful without someone fearful little creature who thinks themselves God when they can't even wipe their own ass without getting permission from someone else...some fucking God Morty. Maybe you should become a pastor. I think you'd make a damn fine one."

"Wha...what are you even on about Rick? Was the jab at Christianity even necessary at that point? Why...why do you keep me around if you think Im no better than a moderator or a Jessica?"

"You are better Morty but you're still an idiot. It's the rule of two Morty. Just one of the several laws of thermo (belch) dynamics. The rule of two Morty... a Rick to have absolute power, and a Morty to crave it."

"You just got done watching Star Wars didn't you Rick?"

"Actually I just got done playing lego star wars on the wii HIYAAAH"

He makes a slashing gesture Morty just barely dodges. "Oh geez!"

"Thats the way Im gonna cut off the turkey leg Morty... your mother gets that piece. See? I pay attention. Your mother likes the leg... I like the breast cause I like to dip it in the gravy and make a snack out of it. Jerry gets the wing because wings suck...nobody likes wings and nobody likes Jerry."

As Rick is making all sorts of fighting poses and rolling around with his lightsaber Morty just gets more aggravated.

"You are just a selfish and bitter oldman Rick! You...you're not some philosophy guru! Its like you just read the first two pages of Nietzche and decided to be a dick to the world because some arbitrarily bad stuff happens!"

"Than come at me bro..."

Rick has another lightsaber on the table and tosses it to Morty.

"Wha...what?"

"I'm a dick remember? Unsheathe that lightsaber and fight me Morty. Stand up to your grandpa and show the world that a Morty can give life meaning and that human beings are all around good and deserving creatures just trying to do right by others."

"I dont see how..."

"Fight me faggot!"

Rick attacks Morty and Morty turns on his lightsaber and goes on the defensive. Rick starts making tooting sounds like the movies symphony in the prequels when lightsaber duels commence.

"God damn it Rick!"

"Thats right bitch...FEEL your anger! Let the hate flow through you! Doo doo dooty doo doo doo dooty doo."

"You crazy son of a bitch! One of us is going to end up losing an eye or something! If you wanted to play couldn't you just get a board game like a normal person?!"

Morty doesn't react fast enough and Rick cuts off Morty's hand that was holding the lightsaber.

"OH GEEZ!!!"

"Oh don't be such a baby... I can grow you back a new hand Morty."

Morty holds his severed arm and hunches over.

"I I don't want you to grow me back a new hand Rick! I I wish you would just go away! Why did you even come back into mom's life? You hardly even talk to her and all you do is ruin mine! I hate you! I hate you more than...more than you hate reddit moderators!"

"Pthffft... bitch you don't even know what hate is but go on. Have your little speech. You're kind of owed one seeing as I cut off your hand I guess. I think that was your masturbating hand too thats why you're so pissed."

"Just leave me alone Rick! I never want to see your ugly face again!"

Morty cries and runs away.

Rick continues to wave his lightsaber around and stare at it.

"You know I really should've went with a different color...Red kind of clashes with my white coat. Maybe a color on the light spectrum non observable to the human eye..."

Morty is huddled in his room teary eyed bandaging up his arm. He pulls out a box from under his bed with loose parts of some of Rick's trashed devices. He works all night on making himself a cybernetic arm.

As the next day comes and Rick is passed out on the couch with beer cans all over the floor and one spilled on his chest he feels the hot plasma against his neck and opens his eye.

"Wakeup you son of a bitch its time for a rematch!"

"Oh damn Morty... growing a bit of hair on your balls are you? That only took like...29 episodes."

"I dont need you Rick. Nobody does. As you can see I built my own replacement hand."

"You strung together some metal fron a toolbox and made a prostetic. Congratulations Morty. You're as efficient as the American healthcare system. Hell I bet it hurts to even move it."

"Immensely... but id rather hurt in my hand that ever have to rely on you for help!"

Rick jumps up on the couch and pulls out his lightsaber.

"Than lets cut off the other one so they match you turd faced monkey!"

Beth walks into the living room and yells "Not in the house!"

"Re...really mom? You see Rick and me have dangerous plasma technology. I am filled with rage and having a missing wrist replaced with a cyborg arm...and you're gonna get upset about us..."

"About you doing it in the house. Yes I am. I paid good money for that couch and unlike Rick's drinking problem I can't Febreeze lightsaber burns. Whatever passage of adulthood Rick has going with you can go on outside and not destroy the house. Get your butts moving."

She points to the door and both grumble and mutter what a bitch...

"I heard that!"

They go outside and stand at the other ends of the driveway and ignite their lightsabers.

"You sure you wanna do this Morty? I can still make you a new hand... we can go (belch!) to that comicbook shop you like. I've seen this cute girl there always playing some star wars miniature game. Pretty sure she's autistic... at least one of us should get to smash that pussy before some inferior man does..."

Morty shrieks and runs at Rick with his lightsaber. "Oh snap!"

Now Rick is on the defensive as tears fill Morty's eyes as he just flails his lightsaber.

"Your technique is sloppy Morty! I (belch) I raised you better than this..."

"You didn't raise me at all Rick! Ever since you came into my life its been nothing but trouble! As soon as I kill your ass I can live a normal God damn life!"

"Whats so great about being normal Morty? What? You like going to school getting ignored by Jessica? You like being a little dipshit everybody walks all over? You...you wanna spend your whole life being confined to a menial little existence eating hotpockets and not even able to express your outrage without getting banned? Jesus Morty you're becoming like your father."

"Maybe I am but at least dad doesn't fuckup everything he touches!"

Rick stumbles on the gravel of the street and Morty puts the lightsaber to his throat panting and crying.

"Well than do it bitch... I wont stop you."

"I know you won't. Thats...thats the problem Rick. You don't know how to be a grandfather or even a human being. But I know in your own sick way...you love us. You wouldn't say it and God helps us all when you decide to show it. But you do love us. I think theres good in everyone Rick, even you."

Morty tosses his lightsaber aside and flinches at the pain the cybernetic wrist causes.

"I know you only do this crazy shit to me because you don't want to see me grow up to be miserable and doubtful of myself. You want me to be strong like you... but there other ways of being strong Rick. It doesnt have to be so intense and dark... I don't need a sith lord to teach me the darkside. I just need a grandpa..."

The cybernetic wrist falls off.

"And maybe a new hand."

Rick gets up and dusts himself off.

"Comeon Morty... you'll have a new hand before dinner is even ready. If we have time we'll stop by the comic shop. Maybe cutey patootie autism girl is there."

"We both know girls only like you Rick. The rule of two."


End file.
